Thursday, December 20, 2007

Administration debates declaring "open season" in Iraq...

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a senior Administration official admits that new measures must be taken to root out the approximately 2000 hardcore foreign Al Qaeda insurgents that stand between the Iraqi people and their realization of the American Dream.*

"Since shortly after the fall of Baghdad, we've been fighting these same 2000 insurgents," says our source. "The shock-and-awe tactics failed; the Army and Air Force couldn't beat them, so we brought in the Marines."

This escalation also failed to wipe out the handful of miscreants; "The Corps cleared Fallujah of all women, children, and old men, and yes, they did kill pretty much everyone who remained. But as you can see from headlines in 2005, those same core Al Qaeda operatives apparently eluded destruction."

Next, the Administration attempted to outsource the destruction of those 2000 insurgents, allowing foreign mercenaries a free reign. "I mean, you would think that if we let them kill just anyone, they would focus on the militants," our source said, rolling his eyes and shrugging. Instead, the death toll has included mainly doctors, lawyers, mechanics, and a lot of people who drive cars with bad brakes.

This week, responding to CIA reports obtained using the most robust of interrogation procedures, (codenamed "Nutcracker Suite") the US gave Turkey permission to bomb Iraq, in a last-ditch effort to eradicate the "New Immortals" as war-weary US troops have dubbed the last 2000 insurgents. (The old "Immortals" were crack Persian troops who were duly thrashed by Leonidas and his Spartans at Thermopylae in the days before Xerxes went all medieval on their asses, although at the time Xerxes considered himself pretty damned modern.)

These "New Immortals" were revealed in the CIA reports to be working hand-in-hand with the PKK, a Kurdish insurgent organization. But aren't the Kurds our friends? Not according to our source, who sarcastically replied "That was soooo last month." But why did the US give Turkey the go-ahead to attack Iraq, instead of scrambling their own jets? "We're out of bombs," shrugged the official, "at least until the House approves a new military spending bill."

However, battle damage assessments have shown the Turkish air strikes to be no more effective than the US air campaign of the last 4 years. But the Administration remains hopeful.

"We have at least 2 hole cards we can play," reports our source. The first is to actually free "Chemical Ali", still held by US forces despite a warrant for his execution by the Iraqi courts. "We figure we could trade a pardon and immunity, plus 600 lbs of nerve agent, and he could probably settle this PKK issue once and for all. He's done a bang-up job in the past, so we have high hopes that this could work."

And if it doesn't?

"Then it's time to get serious," he says, "and call on the Michigan Game and Fish Department."

Say what?

"That's right, the Michigan Game and Fish Department. If you haven't heard about them, it's because they're so damned good at what they do. In 2003, roughly the same time we began having our problem with the insurgents, Michigan had a problem with a deer herd that was skyrocketing out of control. Accidents on the freeway, crop destruction, territorial bucks attacking people - you name it. Game and Fish declared an open season, held a lottery, and a horde of camouflage-clad rednecks fixed the problem over the course of the winter."

Could this work where all else has failed? The Administration thinks it could. "Your average soldier knows the is a "long war" - they're here for 4 years, and getting paid whether they get anything done or not. A Michigan hunter? He's paid thousands of dollars for his equipment and his Al Qaeda license. He's got a wife and kids to get home to, not to mention a 4x4 up on blocks in the front yard. He's got a week off of work to track down and bag his militant; and unlike Blackwater, he's incentivized not to kill anyone else; I mean, can you imagine if all your buddies had fullgrown militant heads on their walls, bushy beards, long turbans, and you just had a runty kid or even a woman? Sure you could tell them she had a bomb under her abaya, but do you really think they'll believe you? Come on. Plus, Michigan laws are pretty harsh on people who kill does, fawns, or harvest more than their legal limit.

Could the Administration be on to something? Perhaps.

Only time will tell.

*The American dream where you make six figures, have a loving wife and a beautiful girlfriend, own 3 cars, 2 houses, and hire an illegal immigrant to do your cleaning - not to be confused with the American dream where you make six dollars an hour, beat your wife and got herpes from your girlfriend, owe money on 1 truck, 1 motorcycle, and 1 mobile home, and beat up illegal immigrants when you're drunk on a Friday night because they're taking all the "good" jobs away from hardworkin' 'merikins like you.

1 comment:

Diodotus said...

Your facetiousness notwithstanding, it seems to me that it has been open season in Iraq for some time already.

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