Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty...

The residents of Randolph, Iowa, are looking forward to finding the perfect cat; not to bring home as a pet for Dick and Jane, but so they can snatch it up a'la Cruella DeVille and turn it in to the miserable mayor Vance Trively for a $5.00 bounty.

"Five dollars... Maybe I'll go to the movies... By myself."

That was exactly what the anonymous cat-snatcher who turned in the first feline victim, a pregnant female cat, was probably thinking to himself, proving that he was not merely a bitter, twisted animal-hater, but also that math was not his strong suit; everyone knows you can barely get a lukewarm bucket of popcorn drizzled with oily faux butter for $5.00 these days.

If he was a little more astute, he might have locked the cat up in his garage for a few weeks until it gave birth, and then turned in the unfortunate wee beastie and her cute, but soon-to-be-dead babies, netting himself a good $30.00, given that the average litter for cats is 5-7 kittens.

Mayor Trively has few qualms with his role in sentencing the expectant mother to death. "She was found wandering the streets, and pregnancy out of wedlock, well, that's just an abomination. It's simply another example of the continuing moral decline among cats in this community. Cats like this are the reason we enacted this strict new legislation; we believe that by executing a few, well, a few hundred of these wanton hussies and the deadbeat dads that impregnate them, we can send a strong message to future generations of Randolph cats that their 'natural' tendencies are actually an affront to decent society, and won't be tolerated in this town."

Trively goes on to add that if this pilot program is successful in reforming Randolph's criminal cats, it may be expanded to dogs, rabbits, pythons, and perhaps even those rascally teenagers. "Kids these days," he mutters, shaking his head.

Randolph's "Final Solution" for the cats irks some upstanding members of the downtrodden US populace, such as H. Mordecai Cooke, a self-proclaimed grumpy old man. "Hell of a thing the world's coming to, today... Nation's in an uproar because some teenage Marine maybe killed a pup, while elected officials run a death camp for cats and no one bats an eye..."

And noted historical literary figure, Leonard Small, is concerned about where this killing could lead. "The rabbits, George... What about the rabbits?"

Good question, Lennie, good question...

Reporting from America's Heartless-land,
Your faithful correspondent,

1 comment:

Diodotus said...

Gives new meaning to the word "cat-nap."

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